The Who behind Me

This was inspired by Real Witch Project. A sort of self introduction, if you will.

I was born in 1985. I am Leo with strong association with Earth Ox according to the Chinese calendar, so I am deeply home oriented art loving woman. I was born together with another at the same time and have now a niece through my twin sister, whom I am very close. Despite all the disagreements. I also have a younger brother, a mother and a father and at the moment two dogs.  We did have hare farm when I was four, countless number of cats, rats, mice, hamsters, chicken, pigs, ferrets… I grew up in a countryside with forest just minutes away and my father was minding the forest, so you can guess what creatures have lived in our place. We were never forbidden from going there, so we pretty much grew up there. At first we had neighbor family, who later moved mile away from us. We have always been close with them, because what else was that mile than a sweet smelling road through our local forest line. As far as we are concerned, thanks to them we gained two older brothers and baby sister and there is nothing in this world that will change that.

Well, life isn’t always nice and simple and neither was my younger age I was bullied in school,  and most of my memories have thus been blocked behind iron curtains.  I never attended first class and thus never grew together with the rest of my classmates. Most of my time was spent in hospitals. The few times I do remember relate with animals, forest and the first time I felt close to God. It was midwinter and I happened in a small field surrounded by tall trees. It was so quiet that I felt I had reached the edge of temple. Since then I haven’t been able to be away from forest for more than a day. Forest in the reach of my eye has been leading force in how I choose the places I live or places I work.

 My family was not deeply religious. However, we never seemed to miss local paranormal magazine nor a festive holiday. Pagan holiday traditions were always highly regarded and though I wasn’t pagan then, it has become clear to me that thanks to keeping those traditions alive, I have had very little change in my seasonal holidays.

Times changed in 1996. We moved to the new place, I sincerely discovered writing and got acquainted with divination. I consider it my second birthday. I was weird child and writing was my saviour like many times after that. Around that time I began reading anything I could get my hands on about folklore and traditions we held. Library was my friend. It was also the time grandfather taught me to cook and I was landed with oldest sister’ duties despite being just 5 minutes older than my sister. Responsibility and thinking ahead more than two steps has been my dutiful companion since.

As such, I began searching comfort from religion and found it in Christianity. I had been in Sunday School in 3rd grade, but not really taken more interest in it than I wanted. Now I took time to read through the Bible and research theological side of it. But something was missing.

I started taking divinations more seriously, when  I recalled having dreams that meant death. I know my father can see future and so can my sister to some extent. I rather not have divine dreams, because there is only one I see and that one means horror to me. Still, I got deeper involved with remembering dreams and learned to recall them and control them.

I was in 8th grade, when I began collecting divinations. There is a schoolgirl tradition about collecting them in sort of a secret journal. I started experimenting and understood soon that I enjoyed cards a lot. My grandfather loves to play cards with me, we call it the Late Night Casino In Living Room.

 The complete change happened, when in 9th grade we got access to Internet. Some of my strongest beliefs come from those times. One being that there really is no undoing a spell. You can change the course of one, but you can’t unwish it. And that this has to be kept in mind when preparing a spell.  I still kept collecting divinations.

In 2000, I fell in love with local heathen community and the fight for my soul began. On one side I felt home with heathen books – because I was too scared to search one out -, on the other side I felt I was cheating on God. I had prepared for being Christian for so long. One other thing was odd – despite following the Bible, no matter how, I couldn’t wear crosses. I have tons of them at home, but I can’t wear them. Having one around my neck felt like someone was choking me, so after a while, I stopped.

One day I woke up, knowing – I wanted a taro deck. I got it few days later and with it a moonstone. Loosing it four years later was one of the saddest days of my life. I felt it rip from my neck and searched for it for months, but it never came out. I still glance over the road side. Just in case. But that tarot deck changed my life completely. I don’t think anything about Christianity had felt so home as holding them in my hand. So, little by little it changed. My religion wasn’t anymore about pushing myself down, but relocating my own intuition and love.

Then I finished school and went to study Estonian and Finnic-Ugric Languages, but spent most of my time in library or anywhere else.  In the end I had three jobs plus school thanks to some serious ill timing by everybody and that, well, ended up in nervous breakdown. I quit school, quit that job, got back my old one as night watch and step by step have gained control over my life.  I quite enjoy the night life, though it is not pleasing to others.

I began my knowing religious life in 1999. I still spent a lot of time visiting religious groups, but with everybody I found something missing. Except, when I was dealing with heatenry. Then, close to 10 years later, I received an envelope from one student I had spent hours after hours arguing over Christian and Pagan similarities. He was deeply religious Christian. But what he sent to me was small pentagram. That pentagram has stuck and goes everywhere I go.

Since 1999 I have also consciously studied the crafts. So I can’t say I’m a novice in crafts. Not old master either. Traditions still have great spot in my family and I make everything in my power to keep the Wheal turning. I officially count myself as solitary witch, but my main focus is on herbal medicine and divination. I use cards a lot, but mostly I like using tarot, because cards speak to me. Another weird talent is animals – if they are sick, they seek me out. I can have whatever bad relationship, but if they get sick, they come and search me out.  I still write, in far greater quantities than before and I have finally got myself a small altar. Which is a great step for me. I don’t do ceremonial magic. I think if someone should label me, I would be a hedge witch. I don’t believe creating spells, because timing might be right. I like doing them intuitively and as necessity arrives. Still, I consider myself more witch and pagan than Wiccan. Magic is my essence and I live it.

I believe in skills, rather than money. If someone says to me that you should earn with that, it is the quickest killjoy I know. I don’t do things to make money. I enjoy making something that is unique – not one thing out of thousands just like it. Personality can be either concentrated in one or diluted into many. Your choice. I chose one.

I don’t like showing myself in public web, so you won’t find any images. My name can be related with some things, but as far as I’m concerned – not with my face. It doesn’t add anything and though already public, I prefer there is still a line between my real life and online life.

I don’t smoke, I don’t drink. Occasionally a glass of wine is fine, but getting stoned is disgraceful. I don’t do that, because my work takes me face to face with too many drunk people and seeing it aside is a lesson of its own. Mostly I don’t like the taste of alcohol either. So no, I don’t do that.

There are plenty little details, which will come out in time. I’m opinionated and emotionally like an open book. I can’t hide emotions. Never been able to. I also believe in letting go of bad things – sleep is the best remedy and there is no point of keeping anger in mind for more than one night. Leave it to yesterday. So if I’m pissed to no end, it means you really screwed up.  I make difference between hating someone and being angry. Mostly I get angry.

There is only one person I hate and that is for a good reason I’m not willing to discuss. I can only say that parents, who justify their kids’ bad behaviour and bullying another child in school should be charged with negligence and participating in crime.  Those bullies grow up and sometimes become decent citizens, yes. But those, who go through that hell – those scars don’t heal. They are reopened by every passing thing that triggers a memory. They are reopened each time you lose a friend. Closeness to someone else is nearly impossible, because you just don’t trust others to be close. You are always afraid and never free again. So – excuse that they are just kids and fooling around should be punishable by highest court. I grew out of it. One day I just stopped being a victim and that did the trick for me. I found myself again. Yet I don’t trust anyone. Each word has secret meaning, each delightful word hides a sinister spear.

Being me is not easy. I still have two jobs and live between two houses. My entire life is in a bag and the only thing I own, are my books. Still, somehow I have my religion, I have my traditions, I have my family and occasionally I even have a free day :).

 

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