Category Archives: Drama

Why can’t I find a good employer?

I am scared for my future. Again.

I am scared like hell for my future again.

Why do I happen only on employers, who are bent to screw me over? We had the time of the year, when minimum wage is raised. I made the mistake of asking about mandatory vacation, because I love my family, but they have to deal with it unless they want fine for not giving it to their employee. Result? Boss took it personally. Like, freekisly personally and instead accused me of being money swindler and he can’t believe I would stoop so low to swindle extra money for my trip. FYI – I have that trip planned for months, thus I collected it together myself. Won’t allow me to go nuts, but will be enough to get me through. Then he came out that maybe he wouldn’t give me the vacation, have I asked him about it? As if talking with the rest of the crew, including my direct boss hasn’t already fixed the dates with me? Excuse me?

The thing with mandatory vacation is that I have to take it and they are obligated to give it. The fines for not filling the law are quite harsh and well, I would rather have the paperwork in order rather than face the fine. Because I’m sure he’ll turn it on me too.

So instead of dealing with the issue when he could avoid this whole mess for the future, he went over with raising the pay. Also mandatory as my current one would be below minimum set by state. And what did he do? Oh yes, I see the raise. It’s exactly the same above the new minimum. I don’t know what to say, after explaining my other boss how this will keep me below that minimum the state considers enough to count my work year as full index for the pension.

You see, the state has been so “kind” as to not spread the panic around how it doesn’t count your work years fully if you are on minimum wage, because you don’t contribute to the society enough it seems. It’s in fact 1/3 of the year, so if you worked for 30 years before pension, it only counts as if you’ve worked 10 of it. Which in total will give you absolute minimum pension. If that doesn’t make you scared as hell considering there will probably be nothing left from the pension fonds as they are so keen to invest them, despite being mandatory, it is not even grim future, it’s the sort of future that makes you consider suicide.

Oh, and what was the creme pop on the dart? He told us that as family, if necessary rises, he keeps the democratic right to lower or not pay out our salaries. And now I’ve been in constant state of panic since yesterday, because I feel like I’m back to that food spot, where she kept us from signing real contracts and payed us under the table when she could, but often enough we got nothing past pennies. For those, who can’t read between the lines – my boss just told me how he will decide every month despite how much I work if he “can” pay me my this month’s salary or if he’s gonna keep it back because he currently “can not”.

In plain speak, that means he’s gonna be judging everything I do and decide based on that if I am worthy for my paycheck. As he has been angry over the past month, because I ordered 5 dollars worth of toy stuff from Ebay, accusing me of having shopping fever, that means if I do anything he does not like, or have any conflict, he can suddenly decide it is democratic not to give me my salary as punishment. And I can’t go anywhere without being pretty much disowned for it, because that would be ultimate betrayal of his fragile ego! Who cares it’s against the law, right? I can’t report it without being disowned.

I am fucking scared! I wanted to go back to university, have driver’s license, pay off my loans as much as I could and now he tells me I have to pretty much keep backup for loan payments on my card so I wouldn’t find myself in the black list! And education myself? Pf! Forget it! I most likely end on a street if I ask for anything of THAT sort! Even if I’d find the money, but going there would be from the time I should be working for him.


Oh god, I’m back in that fucking place, where she wouldn’t pay me a dime, but expected me to show up the next day and I wanna puke. How the fuck did I end up trusting my own family? Because he has no boundaries, when it comes screwing over his own kids, because, hah!, for being his kids!


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Suicide prevention

coll out.jpg

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December 28, 2017 · 10:39

Searching a body match for Barbie!



This is Princess of the Renaissance™ Barbie® Doll , the image is not accurate in color, so I can’t compare the dolls online, and I wish to re-body her with Made To Move Barbie, doesn’t matter if curvy or original MtM, but I ran into a problem. I saw her on a MtM body, so I know she has a close match, but I only had Purple Top and Blue-Yellow Top to compare her to, the first was too light and the second too tanned. The local shops don’t carry more, but I don’t want to create myself a collection, I just need to find her match.
Does anyone have her in her collection and can do a skin tone match for me, please? Please? Pretty please? Continue reading

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I should be writing

I am having a writing crises.

On one side I want to write, on the other side I am having a abandoned puppy syndrome, which is not helped by the edge of the storm that hit Ireland couple of days back which is making its way across us.

I’ll probably get the chapter out in the evening after work, because I slept in. It happens sometimes if you have been getting up since 7 for weeks to work on your stories. And the current puppy syndrome comes from the fact that there has been quiet on the homepage. As if after I finished the two last books, nobody is actually reading the new ones… It’s making me so sad I want to cry and whine. I have kept quiet, because I really, really hoped for something and I feel as if I’m missing something and I can’t seem to put my finger on it, what it is that is missing.

It doesn’t help that I can’t discuss this with my family. Brother has his stack answer of “nobody reads books anymore” and then they start picking on them and making fun, but it has lost it’s edge, when you really are struggling to put the chapters up with no response if I’m moving in the right direction or perhaps should change. Or should I just keep going? One thing is sure, I will continue, ’cause I really like the idea of them being out there. But do readers like them? What did they like?

I’m just in a hole right now. I feel depressed, because next week I’m going on an event which is pretty much a family union and I feel I have nothing to show. Yeah, I have 19 full novels, over 60 short stories and couple longer ones. But it counts for nothing, doesn’t it? I’m scared to face them, because all I will be to them is something to mock, especially when I don’t have any fancy named job.

So it’s gonna be one more of those family events I just sit aside and let the big noses talk. I’ve come a long way, but as always, it’s not far enough. I wish… well, I know what I wish, but at this point it matters not what I wish. I need a strategy, a new one again.

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I had plans

I was planning to make these posts here a regular occurrence, like I had them before. It has been quite busy and the plans have come and gone and I am still focused on stories rather telling the world that “hey! I just finished another day at work without seeing the Sun once!”.

In other words I’ve become the cleaning lady, who doesn’t clean at home, because she does it hell of a lot at work.

Maybe because I haven’t had much to complain about since all my frustration runs into my work? Sure, I do not like Trump, because the monkey is superb at keeping the entire world waiting which day we can declare the beginning of WW III, though I was kinda hoping World War Z was next. Seriously, can’t you do something about him? He is being played by other propaganda based governments like a puppet, because let’s be honest – the guy clearly can’t understand when he plays straight into hands of them and creates them that perfect opportunity others knew to keep away from them.  I would thank god that he is not my president, but with his ability of stupidity – he is danger to the whole world and I am still appalled how he took the office.

Yup, the rant over. I love you people, but I seriously don’t like your president.


Instead my focus has changed to two things – I have several book ideas to work on for the next year and imagine that – Nano is starting soon, so I am currently on lookout for something to peek my interest. Probably why I chose to write some interesting shorts lately, which I also hope to post soon.

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Regretting not having kids?

“So, do you regret not having kids?” A woman-not-named asks me after it comes out in conversation that I can’t have kids.
“Do you need a dictionary?”
She looks at me dumbfounded.
“I’d like to be one of those, who chose career over children or who are too old to have children, or even just say I don’t like kids, but as it turns out, can’t have means I do not have a choice! Can’t choose not having having kids if I CAN’T HAVE KIDS! I can’t regret a choice I didn’t have!”
Her response – stare, then mumbled. “You don’t have to be so rude about it!”
So  I made my best impression feigning shock. “Oh! I’m sorry, did I hurt your feelings?”

Might be a bitch move, but you have no idea how many times I’ve heard that bullshit of a sentence, so let me put this in perspective for you!


See the difference? So if you, mother of the year, try guilt tripping someone, who have no choice in the matter of having kids- FUCK YOU! They can be so jealous they could eat their own hair, but there is absolutely NOTHING they can do, if nature has not given them even the opportunity! So why in hell should they regret not having kids? What bullshit social stigma is this? You can’t have kids, so you should feel ashame for it? For what? Being me?

Will that jump-start their ovaries if they regretted it? Is it one of those deeply Christian things? You’re infertile, but hey! Pray to God and he’ll help you! Have a little news for you then – it doesn’t work that way and I can rip my heart out and it will still not change the facts.

Which brings me to another conversation from a forum – one particular “case” of Christian, who said it was punishment for my crimes. Well. What a peach. What crimes had I committed by the age of ten, I asked her? She went silent after a while and logged out. Thank god we have ocean between us, because… god, how do such people even exist?


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My plans of the future

Ok. It’s again one of those once a month posts, which may seem random compared to all the regular stuff I put up on the homepage.

First thing I’d like to remind myself of to be careful about – I have began skipping words as I write. Seemingly random words seem to be missing from the texts as I write, so I need to be vigilant to check for it before I post things.

Which takes me to the posting thing!


Ink blood cover  finished.png

I have three new stories coming up soon. One, which will begin only couple of weeks from now, is named Ink Blood (the link will be active starting 9th of August), which is story about Isabel Prichard, a mermaid, whose family has moved to dry land and who, after meeting another merman aside her own family for the first time of her life, decides to go back to see with him. Of course it’s not as simple as it sounds and soon after arrival she gets pulled into time-old fight with bigger forces than mere human, or merfolk in this case. I wanted to try out a new conflict type I have not written in yet and chose a random one and well, man versus nature has been an interesting study subject and I sincerely hope you’ll like it too.

guarding-the-hell-nano-iconSecond story Guarding The Hell will replace Bar Fight and will basically continue the story about ESNN-10 space station saga with new characters and conflicts. This time the focus will be on a welding team, who have been called in to help with expanding of the station, who get pulled into political game of chess after the young chief of the welders finds his mate among the security team.  It is again LGBT story 😉 and the first two chapters are already up in case you got curious.

Pet Snake v3.pngAnd the last one, the third story was meant at first to replace the Third Law, but as Ink Blood got finished first, it will be left for a later date and probably will be added as Monday story perhaps? I don’t know right now, but all I am sure of is that it is coming soon as well. It tells a story of Debra Colvin, who starts working for Terry Dalton, whom she’s been fighting against most of the earlier year to keep Terry away while his brother, Noah Dalton and her best friend, Gina Vaughn can make their relationship official (so cliché it hurts!), because turns out the reasons, why the Terry was so against his younger brother’s relationship wasn’t about the woman not being suitable. Instead, now that he has allowed them to be together, he has a larger mess he has to get out and he decides to use Debra, the woman, whose unbeknown actions caused him to change his mind and now clean up the mess.

Yup, I’ve been busy and I must say I like it that way.

Also, I am contemplating starting a small business, a service that I don’t see much competition around. Over the past five years I’ve been researching how to fix dolls, mostly out of necessity. But lately I’ve had people say that perhaps I should take it more seriously, because they’ve seen my work. So I figured, why not? It wouldn’t be full time, for that is on concrete, and I’m not contemplating putting up a monster business, for I must have time for writing. A doll spa sounds nice though – fix hair, clean up the dolls, make them clothes…? Well, I do like making the patterns for them and making new clothes and tinkering on small details, so what have I got to lose? Probably nothing. I began a site for what I’ve worked on though, if anyone is into 1/6 scale doll clothes.


And that’s all I’ve been doing lately – dolls, writing and concrete. Oh, and some random art pieces on my RPG characters. 🙂

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