This last two weeks have been a bit a wake up call for me about how people perceive me and I don’t like it. Worse, I don’t know how to change it. There is this disease going on called “I know what you think and thus I’ll cut you off half way and continue telling you my version of whateverwearetalkingabout.”
First grandfather at his birthday, when he cut me off in favor of my cousin. Well, that was a quick way to turn things into monologue. No point of adding anything if you are not invited to add.
Then the issue with dad lately which has lead to the point that I simply don’t want to talk to him any more, because he has this profound way to make sure he snarls my throat each time I look up or utter a syllable to anybody in the room while he is there. Apparently the fact that I found it insulting enough to stop talking with him altogether, ’cause if there is one thing my job taught me was that I do not have the obligation to keep talking to someone, who is disrespectful, is really the root of the problem. Because now he has become mind reader and declares how I am wounding his gentle soul because he is so so sick and weak. I know he is sick, but even if I mention it, it is taken only as another attack. Thus I found it to be too much and decided that if he can’t remain civil at all, then he gets what he’s barging for. And I haven’t changed a single word with him since.
He is now on meds and “supposedly” this will make things better, but as with his drinking – just because you are sick or intoxicated does not mean others have to let you off easy for things you did or said during the episodes. I’ve been told my entire life how I should let thing go and forgive, but I am yet to hear any apologies. To be honest, I don’t want those apologies others have coached out of them for the sake of humanity. It’s not humane at all – it still hurts like hell, and to know that they didn’t mean those apologies hurts even more. Which leads me to think that sometimes I’m glad they don’t apologize. But I sure would like to slap them. The only thing still stopping me is my own belief that this won’t solve anything.
But don’t expect me to just jump back on speaking terms with someone, who uses you as his target each time they go nuts, for fuck’s sake, I want to be every once and a while the one who can rely on somebody instead of being relied on and my this month’s sad realizations has been that I don’t have a person like that.
Which takes me to the last bloomer in my family, who pretty much said to my face while cutting me off half way that I already told her what I wanted to say and now she’s explaining me her own thing!
“You already gave your point, so let me finish, ok?”
That little sentence really put something in perspective for me. Not because she was right, she didn’t let me finish “my point”, so what followed was a monologue with her inventing a bike, but that’s not what I’m gonna talk about.
I didn’t give my point! As a living person, all I’ve heard lately is what I think without anybody actually hearing me out! They all just assume! And they still get me wrong! I remember there being similar thing at work – THEY ALL JUST FUCKING ASSUME!
Yeah, but that has lead me into my little writing block that has lasted for about 4 days now, not that my dog minds. If I’m so predictable, what point is there for writing?