I went to writing class today.
Not in hope of finding something revolutionary, but just because I really needed change of scenery and have some fun. It’s in Estonian and, to be truthful, I haven’t written anything in Estonian for a while and find it complicated. So, I guess you could say I’m pretty much in the same boat with them, when it comes to writing in Estonian. And, well, hard to find something revolutionary if you’ve been writing for 15 years, but sometimes we just need somebody else to tell us what’s been staring to our faces all along. So yeah, I was enjoying it to the fullest. They seemed really nice group and I think I’ll hang around as long as I can just to reconnect to my Estonian side.
In less than an hour I got four responses to saying that I decided to join a real life group. Where I have to actually pay to participate. “Are you nuts? Why do you toss your money in the wind like that?” and “Why do you need somebody else teach you what you could ask me instead?” and “You should be teaching this instead!”
Thank you very much for the last part. Yes, I am aware I could teach it considering my background. Then again, I went there with different notion than learning how to write. After years I kinda know how I like to write and giving up on writing is also part of my daily struggle, so no, I would not like to teach it just yet. I’d like to have fun with it first. And I went there to have fun and you know what? It felt good to be part of a group that paid for the two hours we were there and actually worked for that money. As strange as it sounds, it felt therapeutic and I liked the fact that I actually sat and wrote 6 pages in Estonian, thus it filled my personal purpose, so no, I don’t feel as if I tossed the money to the wind.
The second question came from dad. Thanks, dad, for the support. You’re observant as usual. If there is anyone, then he is the last person, who can teach me about writing. Might sound arrogant, but after seeing his method and knowing how much he has actually put effort into actually learning of the art he is doing, then no. I am not interested in learning his methods one bit. Especially that I know there is no method. Thus it is really picking a fight if you think you have the right to criticize the fact that I do put some effort into learning the art and I do test out different places every now and then.
I miss writing in Estonian, despite how strange that sounds. I guess one of the reasons I began writing in English was indeed that dad does not read English at all. So it seemed safe. Now that he is writing too, it scares the hell out of me. Mostly, because he just “does” it and I can’t stand how it is not my territory any more. I feel invaded. So I guess the reason I went for this class is that I want back the connection I have with myself, before feeling threatened and played with. Before I got the notion that somebody in my own family is doing their best to diminish my efforts in writing by “proving” how easily it is done.
Sad to say, but as I do not have talent of the gods, I do need to learn how to do it. How to get over the lows and get back on the horse each time something like that kicks me off. It has taken me 4 years to finish the story I’m working on and I am so close to finally getting it published. It hasn’t come with ease. Writing for fun is, yes, easy, but to actually producing something I feel comfortable with giving out, is much harder.
So I do pay for classes every now and then. I do search out people I don’t know in hope of finding like-minded folks. And I don’t care if they are not as advanced as I am, cause sometimes it’s fun to see how it all began. And because I felt good with them and I want to get my hands on that drug again. So perhaps we can kindle our writing in Estonian fire again. And perhaps I don’t feel like on brink of sanity if I decide to write something long in Estonian again.