Bastard

He went on AA clinic. Got all cleaned out, went to town alone for half an hour and… possibly came home with a bottle, because I could smell it in his breath this morning.  Tadaa!

I have enough to deal with to be so angry over his stupidity towards himself and us! The worst part, I can’t go and say that to his face, because “it is a disease” according to his doctor and its his life. And we are not the reason he decided to clean himself up for. It was because our local shop closed their doors for good and with the loads he was pushing down his throat daily, he wouldn’t live it over by himself. So no. The fact that the entire family has been worn out to its last limits, because of his drunk episodes when he becomes snarling and nasty to all of us is not reason enough to get help. No! It is, because he can’t get his hands on the drink so freely anymore!

It’s like Christian God – as long as life is good, you “must” accept him in his life and thank him for it, but the moment things go down the trail, you ought not to judge nor blame him for the problems you have. God does not make those problems – you do.

Only, in his case we don’t blame him any more. It was useless three years ago. He keeps blaming us for not trying to stop him, but what do you do with someone, who can’t take a hint that is banging on his head? I pour out his vodka bottle, I was ready to walk out on my entire family, but I love my brother too much to leave it all on his shoulders. All the arguments, all his lamenting how nobody loves him, all his depressed episodes, tossing everything to our faces – that was me having issues and me having episodes! But him! Oh no! He is the victim, because nobody understands him!

The focus in every AA clinic is on the patient. Their mission is to fix that person. Nobody fixes the family though. They have gone through hell and continue going through the hell when the AA patient is getting help. They are expected to help him through this, because that’s what families do, right? They help you at any cost.

But I don’t know if I have that strength anymore. I am tired of putting my trust in lost causes, giving them the shoulder they can lean on only to hit you in your face the moment you feel you can step away. There is no end to this, is there?

We don’t really matter to our family unless we provide. I hurt my knee bad when I was coming home from the hospital (my health is seriously declining and no one can give me the reason), but I’ve spent more on my feet these past few days with brother than I’ve spent other days. Well, if you’re the only woman in the house who has a free day, this means you get to do the laundry, clean the house and don’t forget the dinner at seven.

And then he dares to come home with a bottle, because the whiny can’t handle it despite the pills he is suppose to take. And then you have friends sending you message to put your health first and take it easy. How can you take it easy? I am at home – you’re the housewife! I go to town – you haven’t spent enough time with the child.

I am so tired! So, so tired… Not one day that does not include somebody’s issues!

I’ll have to go to work day after tomorrow. My knee is still giving me hell. But who cares?

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