We are all smiths of our own happiness

Who ever thought this sentence out – Fuuu yuuu tooo!

My eye is twitching. That is enough to say that I am under serious stress after today’s news. I’d like to say it all started out nicely, but I was already a bit sick this morning so the stress has only added to it. Even now I am under medicament to survive this night and that because there isn’t really anyone, who could take this shift from me. Like – HOW? How come we have come to a point, where you have to come to work sick because you can’t get a replacement?

Colleague saying that they would have put their health first is like adding salt to the wound – I would! I so would prefer my own bed right now! But you know what? I can’t! Because I’d probably would be sick for two days max and thus there’s no point to call in replacement and there is no way I can switch with anybody else, because they have already switched between each other and thus none of them can help me out!

SO YES! I am putting my health first! I am right now imagining how I am in my bed, letting this temperature go down naturally and enjoy the growing discomfort in my throat through filter of sleeping brain instead sitting here in noisy night, because the construction goes in late hours tonight, fixed up by bills I otherwise would not even look at and scream in agony.

As if that was not enough.

I finally got response from the bank! After learning that I was (surprise!) taken on to the next year in Uni, but two days AFTER registration ended on courses I needed, I went to bank to apply for the student loan. For the reality is there is no way I can pay for it from my own pocket right now. Or ever. Let’s be honest. Ok, so the teller told me to fill out the loan information and that would be ok, for I do qualify. I thought too, that ok, that’s nice, at least I have money to pay for the Uni. But what didn’t arrive after filling the requirements was the money…

So I contacted the bank, asking if there is something I haven’t filled out yet. Waited the response for another week and then it came today – no money. Because the university – thank you a punch! – decided to change my study form and now I do not qualify.

So all of a sudden I’m in position that I have been taken on to the next year in Uni, but I can’t register to any of the subjects I’m suppose to take in order to finish school. I am expected to pay for it, but I can’t, because I do not qualify for the loan, because they changed my student position.

So now I am here, treading the decision I’m left with and everybody going around me with smart faces saying how everybody make their own happiness. Well, in that case – do not come to me with karma – for if I take it in my head that karma is the thing to blame, I would gladly end it right now and be born as a worm in the soil. At least they have no such conscious of having to file their own bankruptcy.

I am listing things I can cancel, things that I could avoid – anything that would mean no spending. This is insane. I feel insane. Suggestions like – you could still try finishing as extern drive me nuts. This all means money! But I’m not getting any! All I see are money that goes out! I can’t see any coming in, replacing the losses! I’m already nearly 20 euros short everyend of the month! And now i’m to find nearly 200 extra euros out of the blue and still feed myself and my family? Any more good suggestions how to spend more?  Anyone else want piece of me?

The hell am I gonna get out of this mess and still have enough to feed also sis and niece?


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