I was really bothered by dad’s behavior during the two days trip we had to visit an old friend. I have never in my life put in a position, where I actually refuse to take part of a conversation with a friend, because someone is black washing you in front of them so much that you just want to stop having any connections at all. Why keep trying to leave a good impression at all if all you can do to stay polite is to keep your mouth shut and not start family row in front of them? He who pays orders the music, right?
It reduced my inkling wish to be a mother to a complete zero. As much as I love my niece, she will be the only bumble of joy that man will see. I am dead scared that my kid would grow up to be like him because of the fucked up gene pool – and then what? I would end up with another just like him? Disastrous destroyer of his family? Karma is already a bitch sending me a man in my life with no understanding of family values. Karma is bitch enough also to remind you every other day that you are in a circle you won’t get out either, for you “must learn a lesson”. So karma would be bitch enough to send me a son, who repeats every stupid mistake his grandfather is known for and that my heart will not survive.
God, I so want to end this fucking lesson for good, step out of this life and end up in Hell.
Which makes me rethink and rethink some more if I want to turn home if SHTF. I am torn in two – I would return for mom and brother in a heartbeat and it always makes me think that it is easier to rise niece with all of us together. We do make a good team and together we get through anything tossed at us. But he is a serious risk in so many ways. Just to think – he considers our work such a worthless shit, he goes to neighbors to mouth us off! He undermines our every decision “to make us think harder and deeper” and then stabs those projects in the back so we could “learn a lesson”. I don’t know anyone in the village, because one face-to-face with someone, who tosses at you how your daddy dearest had some crusade against local boom party was enough for me. Since his daily visits to the local shop I have kept away from the shop too. I rather bake my own bread at home than give in and go buy one from them. That is the kind of behavior that tears everyone up – you can weave as thick canvas as you like, but if you have someone, who on daily bases tears holes in it, it breaks up. And right now I am seriously thinking if it isn’t time to create a different center, where to go, when SHTF for I need support, not someones deadly criticism.
I reached to 75k with the story this week-end. I will go further after I figure out few things.