I can’t seem to write. Remarks in style “Why are you reading? Work on your writer’s block instead!” are not helpful either. Neither are “You know, those two hours spent on that movie could have meant 5 pages instead!”. Honestly? I take 5 minute break to read a newspaper and you roll this on me? My mind is already like thick wood that isn’t budging and now I’m suppose to mumble on it further?
Instead I’ve been caught up in daily life and my mind keeps being empty like washing basin on cold winter’s day. I have ditched even the trying for now, because nothing seems to go pass the first two sentences. I had a short story that just flew out of me, but it has some minuses that ought to be smoothed out in future. I was hoping to get some ideas for the JESS magazine a week ago, but, well, I guess my first impression must be the one I sent. They set new deadline for it later. For the sending in date. I was hopeful, but like always – a week late. Well, if they start collecting stories for next issue, I’ll send this one in. I even like it. Now at least.
So instead I’ve been making snowflakes. One by one the deed gets done. And that, it seems, it issue of its own, because apparently to some it is a problem that I’m not writing and work on those instead. Well, sorry, those need to be done as well. And it doesn’t matter that she’s not my kid, who is in the daycare. I am her aunt and I do care if they have nicely decorated rooms! It’s like “You got a kid? Ok, then daddy will step aside now and the rest of the society as well, so you can take care of all the needs they have.” Since when is growing a child only the mother’s obligation? Arrgh, I’m not even getting there again, but I must say this “attitude” I’m getting seemingly from every male I know is disturbing beyond belief. And then you are surprised why your wife and mother of your kids is near loosing their last nerves and yelling at you in frustration? At this point – you deserve it. Grow up and start investing in your family or you soon discover that you are no longer considered part of it for you are nothing more than another part of the problem, not the solution.
Ok, so yes, I’m frustrated and angry at the world. At what precise reason, I don’t even know. Everything irritates.
So you can imagine that someone tossing me “instead of doing this, you should be writing!” comments are just the last drop in the ocean. So far it has been everybody’s concern that I don’t do Nano for “I need to concentrate on what’s important and not get sidetracked” and “it’s waste of your talent that you begin another story”, so, to be suddenly in the position, where everybody are angry, because my mind blanked and I have trouble writing, they are all suddenly “do your nano or something, but write”.
And for the first time since 1996, I’ve actually thought if writing is really what thrives me? Is it worth arguments on “you speak of it, but you don’t show”? Which, by the way, is another problem in the punch, because I did put up what I wrote. They all promised they’ll go read them. Guess how many of them actually visited the site? None. I got two random guests, and I’m grateful for them for reading, but, well, no one, who even promised to read it. So it has frustrated me greatly.
Plus those, who so wanted me to give them my WIP for quick overview, well, I haven’t heard back from them either and it’s been several months already. Told them I need the review before Nano so I could work on with the project. And now I’m still in situation, where I am waiting, eyes wide and naive, for them to send me feedback. So I’m not really interested in continuing with that either… Why continue this project if I cant’ even get my friends to read it?
Perhaps it is time to face the music?