Hello again. After 2 months without my blog, I must say I am blogger after all. Gathering things inside is doing me more harm than good, so I can now honestly say – yes, I have tried it and it is not for me.
Those past two months have been a true trial. It seems like nothing is working, no writing gets done and people just keep… dying…
We had a death case at work. One of the students. I can’t say much more, besides that it was nothing more than a sad accident. Guess who was at work?
At first I don’t think it got to me that bad. It rattled me enough that every wrong thought or smell or touch brought all the site back in my mind and I had trouble getting any sleep after that. Unfortunately, on the next day mom brought me next sad news. One of my relative had perished in house fire. And few days later we got another news and few days back another… In short, there has been a lot of such going on lately and despite having any evidence, one can’t but wonder if there is something big going on in the world that keeps taking people out.
But with the first case, I think that got to me personally the most, because I was part of what came after, so to say. The guy went, because he got drunk. It was still accident, but the part that he was drunk burned in my soul. So now each time I see dad come home with a bottle (like I’ve elaborated in the past – we are not in good terms anymore duo his excessive love for bottle), I get this violent shaking fits. Because I can’t bare the idea that I must go through this again, come home and find him in such “accident”, because he wouldn’t wake up during one of his drunk episodes.
I am really not ok with this. Everybody are out for their rights, so I repeat the pattern – I have the right to say no, I don’t want the burden living with a drunkard and I do not have to deal with the all the vile that comes out from their mouths when they are drunk and I do not have to forgive them for it. Christianity keeps telling me to forgive and I am saying – no, you do not have to forgive those, who ruin your lives by forcing you live in their addiction.
I’m sorry, drinkers, but the hell are you thinking? Putting your family through this. We live in free world and you have all the excuses of the world, including “this is my lifestyle –accept it!”. But I’m asking – why should we? You can be tolerably good person when sober, but when you get drunk and download all your life’s misery on your family, then sleep through the next hours and wake up feeling absolutely fabulous, what do you think your family feels? They were not drunk, had to listen all the vile things you had to say about them and the world and now have to be nice to you again, because you smile and say “the hell are you talking about? I don’t remember saying that!”? And you keep to it and then starts yelling at them how mean they are to them and then the circle starts all over again.
But the “best” part of this entire experience! The punch line!
I met a Christian friend of mine after that. We talked and in short version I told her what had happened. It’s local and it was already all over the news and so on. Without expanding the facts behind it, I simply stated that the news was true.
“This is God’s way showing to you that the path you have taken with your life is wrong and he wants you to repent and turn back to him.”
I think I nearly fainted from the fury that filled me on that moment. If your God kills random people around one person in effort to “show them the right path back to him”, then you present to me a God who is nothing more than mean bully! And I shall have nothing to do with such God!
I told her that too. She was taken aback by it. That’s not what she meant, she told me. I know, I said, but I have been 1-on-1 relationship with him since I was 8, despite not being Christian, while she has been inside this faith for less than two years. I suggested her not to use situations like this for missionary work and watch how her pastor does it. I know their pastor and I know he is warm and gentle man and does no missionary work, yet he has quite big congregation with many new recruits. Because his mission is caring and supporting his congregation. Best mission ever.
Seriously, Christians – think before you use every hard situation in life to spread your faith! You are the spokespersons for your God – if you present him, do so he can be proud of you. If you hear click in your head “that would make a good moment to remind them of God!” – don’t do it. Rather listen them out and show that you are a good friend. Most people don’t like to bring God in, when they are in rough position, especially so that “he has done it”. We, people, are pretty good at screwing up our lives ourselves and sometimes we get tangled in other people’s lives. God is not guilty for things I do. It’s like breaking a vase and pointing my finger on him. I was raised better than that.
Yeah, moving out isn’t that easy, when you’ve invested so much in one place. But this incident has made me realize that his actions are moving towards same faith and despite my love for him, as hard as it is to believe, but he is still my father, should he do something similar in near future, then I will move out and that is it. By the way, I keep repeating it here so often, because I really, really need to convince myself that it is ok to move out.
In other news – tried to make soap this past week-end. Surprisingly, though everything I knew was in perfect temperature, etc. – it didn’t work out. I have never encountered that before that the soap won’t settle. Had to toss the entire patch out. But after thinking on it hard for two days, I might know where the problem lies. I think I need a new soapstone.
So yes, I am back. Can’t live without having a place to went things out every now and then. And I need a place to write the recipes down. Or mumble on religious topics or EDC bags…