Washing dirty laundry

How come life can be nearly normal for a short moment and then turn absolutely upside down?

I had a fight with my dad. Actually, it wasn’t a fight, considering they were having “firm meeting” and I was sitting in front of TV, listening him go like a wounded puppy and after I had enough I commented that “Imagine! That actually IS your fault!”, receiving “SHUT UP!” in response and went to my room to pack everything so if I must suddenly make my leave I wouldn’t leave anything important behind.

So now all my life in that house is packed in boxes.

Seems desperately juvenile?
What follows is a rant, so click on your own risk.

Dad went to see doctors duo several problems and got diagnosed with damaged liver. Not “just” damaged liver, but real drunkard liver. He has problem in that area so it didn’t come as a surprise, but it was still a shock. But what did he do? He lectured the doctor how he is taking it against pain (arthritis – can you fathom? he drinks alcohol against arthritis! ) and it was better choice than have painkillers screw up his liver.  AFTER he was sent home, because the blood test got screwed duo alcohol.

If you had arthritis you don’t fucking drink, because if you really were treating it, those drugs could kill if mixed with alcohol! But no! He doesn’t treat it, he just likes to show it off! Just imagine the possibilities – you can always excuse your lack of work with painful limbs! Who are you telling that fairy tale to? I was born with that disease! I have never used it as excuse to leave my part undone! It is unacceptable! Those, who get late diagnose – get your heads straight and listen up! Learn to live with it! It is NOT an excuse!

I must say I am not visiting that doctor any time soon now – she sees the family name and oh the fame!

But then it got better. He went to see a specialist. The man told him that it wasn’t so bad yet and that alcohol hasn’t destroyed his nerves YET. His response? Get home, go straight to the shop and get small bottle of vodka… But he was so joyful he told that to mom too! That see? Your husband can continue drinking without it affecting his nerves! So I commented on the background, that yeah, his drinking is destroying everybody else’s nerves instead!

Oh the hell that broke loose then! I was immediately branded as someone, who had no say in anything what family decided. Mom had longer talk with him alone, but what I could hear, was how awful daughter I was and how we couldn’t understand his lifestyle. I have lived with that man for 28 long years. I am intrigued, what kind of lifestyle is it that he has, to curse everybody else in his family with drunkard jokes (pinching others – um, what?), insults (that he considers funny!) and yelling if he thinks we are not listening or we don’t read his mind. And then demand that we take it as perfectly acceptable behaviour?

So, the story short – the man got diagnosed borderline fat liver, which will fail in less than a year should he continue his lifestyle, came home and celebrated the news by joyfully getting drunk! After that he got snapping and biting at anybody, who deemed to think otherwise.

So imagine how juvenile was my act, when I got so angry I spent the next three hours packing every little item I remembered in boxes so if I have to call in moving service, I can collect everything in less than half an hour.  I went through all my shelves, cupboards – every place I could remember and simply packed. Mom tried to come to reason with me, but I said I was cleaning. She knows I wasn’t, but she also knows that I am very close having nervous breakdown duo his teenager behaviour.

His middle name should be “I, who I don’t understand that I share my house with other people, who are affected by my decision to drink and trash and then do as little work as possible”.  He doesn’t get so drunk as one time – and no, I will not let it slide -, but this isn’t some mild habit either.

Probably, what irritates me in this situation the most is that I know brother still needs help and I can’t walk out on him despite how horribly dad acts. Secondly, what irritates is that our family’s food money is in his hand. This means, my money as well. And I can’t get pass the thought that he is spending my earnings on bottle! I don’t even give loafers any money, because I don’t want my money to be spent on such vice! That money, which was meant for everybody’s use, which I have no access though and try asking for it – you’ll be branded hypocrite and what not while on the next week he’ll be hurt, because you are in dept and didn’t ask money from him. Ok, I think I’ve already touched the topic of “our money, but don’t dare to ask for it” situation already. But it still aggravates me to no end.

Anyway, I am not grateful for having a home, when I am not included in family decisions and just expected to follow what they decide. Nor sitting and watching aside how he destroys his life, messes up our lives, then raises his hands up and walking out while doing his wounded puppy act.

Today he did it- just to prove us wrong, he didn’t take a sip, spent the entire day working and only slept an hour instead of his usual four. I spoke with him two words the most and secretly checked the whereabouts of last of the things I want to take with me, where they were exactly, and checked over moving services we have in the area.

This was just the last straw. I may be the bad daughter, but if the situation demands, I have nothing left in that house that would stop me from ordering that van, loading everything and moving out on day’s notice. I love my mom and brother and Madli, but I am taken to the limit with my father and differently from my sister, I am willing to go to the length of cutting him out of my life for good. And the moment I have the money together and apartment, I am bringing Madli after me. That dog will not stay with him more than is necessary.

I mean, just how much must one tolerate? 


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