Because I’m a masochist and “enjoy” it

It’s one of these days, when you I feel like bound from your hands and feet. Nothing makes sense, nothing seems right. As if I’d lived in a ball of cotton the whole time and being punished for it from left and right.

A co-worker left. We can only guess the reasons. I’m too low in rank to ask what happened, but I’d like to know. Right this moment I’m sensing as if I could fall under same treatment, too? Things seem more difficult, because everybody is guessing and no one knows what brought this on beside those, who were standing right next to it.

I work on low rank. Been working on low rank long enough to mostly take things with cold stomach. Nothing happens to us unless we screw something up bad and then we only have one solution – getting fired. Being low ranked also means that I have no rights in the sense that I can’t ask explanation if something like this happens and I can’t expect anything. Christmas party? That’s for office workers. Going somewhere together? That’s for higher rankers.

The bad thing is, I’m so close related to them all, that I kind of understand their reasons why it is hard to pull something like that off. Being near enough unfortunately means I can’t just go around and ask if something happens either. I can only wait.

I think why this little usual incident is so bothering me right now is that it reminds me of summers, when I do work on a higher rank while others are on holidays. I might have had different tasks, but I realized quite soon that I was treated just the same. No difference. I had more responsibility, but the reality was that if something happened, I got the same reaction as if I’d missed direct chain of command and gone over my head. It was horrible feeling.

So, they can keep telling me about how we should call ourselves “us”. After years of working here, only hearing how they went somewhere, being awarded, got bonus for work or receiving yet another link to photo gallery you never will be part of, it kinda makes me sad. We are involved in this process, too. But we are not even entitled to an explanation on what happens inside the firm. And that is a bad feeling inside. Most times I don’t even dare to hope, because hoping only brings anger of unfilled hopes.

But hey, who needs future? Only those, who are need-to-know bases. The rest of us just wait and see, when the time comes and try to get over short notes on another co-worker leaving. After all, they have their own problems, we have ours. Those things don’t really change the fact that I still need to deal with drunks in the middle of the night or hear another rant on how big bitch I am. So why get so worked up about it? I continue my work and continue getting slashed from both sides. Because I’m a masochist and “enjoy” it.


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