Some days there just isn’t much reason to wake up and walk around. Yesterday was one of those days and today won’t be much different. It wasn’t so much of what we did, because you know what we do all the time – work. I think it was just the pinpoint of everything else in my life right now.
On Midsummer’s Eve I had friend over and dad, merry like usual, blurted to her: “You know, she is WORKING HERE and what she does inTartuis her BEING ON VACATION”. I was speechless and only managed one polite smile. I know he has no respect to other’ people’s time nor has he ever been into mom and I working inTartu, because it takes away time we could spend on building “family” firm, but this was just too much. Still, I didn’t want to ruin my evening, because I had waited for it the entire week and I left it there. Yet, differently what I usually do I couldn’t bring myself to actually write about that nice week-end.
So this one went and week came. I started reading books again, taking up few fictions (and finishing them), read some literature studies, and added in Writer’s Digest books on plot and tension. Happened to mention this to my friend, who we talk about literature and his immediate response was “why do you keep wasting your time for such crap?” Moment before he presented me his newest haiku. Yeah, why do I keep pressing myself to read this “crap”? Am I retarded for wanting to share it with him, hoping for some support for my goals? I must be, because I feel like freak indeed, trying to talk sense with someone, who has studied literature. I keep feeling like freak, because no one, who has studied literature “seriously” has no idea what I’m talking about if I rise topics like “character’s emotional and psychological backgrounds don’t match up” or “basic plots”. I can get so upset on the last one, so even I’m thinking of marching in the office of some of those so-called professors teaching them and ask why they don’t teach even the basics of all literature? Why do you keep letting those hopeful literates believe that after studying the old masters, they are ready to write something unique, because there really isn’t anything unique in literature world? Keep them from the illusions that can take them on the prick of depression?
The basic outcome of his emotion filled outburst was that I don’t feel like sharing my progress with him at all anymore. He has such talent of making anything you’ve reached feel so numb. Empty compared with his hard work.
Then came Thursday and Friday. After I got home, dad came to share his “wonderful” discovery – I’m the ghost worker, who doesn’t show up even in statistics! Whatever that meant, I shrugged and started preparing dinner. Oh, but I heard this expression “ghostworker” for at least ten times more that evening! And after fifth I think it started sinking in…
What is a ghost worker? A family member, who helps out now and then for no costs, out of goodness of their heart, who you don’t have to pay taxes on, because they don’t get paid for it.
In my case this means that I get exploited to my wits end and don’t get enough in return to sustain my own private affairs. Things like get my notepad fixed to start with and I’m getting very edgy on it already. Brother promised to get it done, but come on! 4 months have passed and I am in serious need for computer that I can use when I have free time, not when others have free time! My deadlines are all closing in I see no ways of keeping them. Wanting to take up extra computer work with limited access to it isn’t working out either.
Right now I’m in situation that all my life has been planned into other people’s lives, working and building up their lives. And at the same time I’m nagged constantly about “why do you keep this on” and “can’t you see how harmful this is” or “you must do this and this and this to get your own life”, “you must put more in this and this and this!”! Only problems? They don’t listen and give me suggestions that only add to the misery.
I am so tired. Every time I take up books that will help me further in what I love to do, I ‘m taken down by those, who think it is crap. I feel more than ever that I’m back in that three-job times, when I planned out my work by sleep pattern. At home I’ve been doing it for some months now, it doesn’t feel like home anymore. More like second workplace. What would you expect? First thing I hear, when I wake up, is “when do you go to work again?” and if I say “tomorrow”, then follows orders to eat fast and start packing and how we could wake earlier so we can get out of work earlier in the evening. Who cares? They go sit read newspapers, I start with dinner and after that is done, it is already close to 10. By that time my entire body is on fire and I’m so tired all I want to do is sleep.
It has been more than trying week, but the thing to take me down the most is still the fact that my computer won’t get fixed. And closer the deadlines come, the less I have enthusiasm to even start, because I’m borne to fail.