Depressing times

Did the yearly cleaning in the dorm and used Chillit Bang for the first time. And the last, because turns out I’m so allergic to this stuff, I turned into huge ball. Bloated so up I had hard time even to breath.  Did no work yesterday thanks to this, because the swollen nerves gave me headache too.

Today we have another problem. What to wear in theater? I have a skirt I was hoping to wear, but because it is shorter than my so far style, I’m reminded constantly that I can scare people elsewhere too. So we went dress hunting and I came out empty.  I hate those trips, because there are always two sorts of clothing there – either they are built like bags or there is none for my size and I’m pretty much average. But I can’t go with the skirt I chose.

I don’t have my regular work right now.  This is suppose to give me time to study. Today is third day and I feel like yelling, because every time I get concentrated, someone drops in to go food hunting or clothes or so I’d go walk with niece…  In two hours I’ll need to go and take the clothes out the drier. So how is this different from staying at home and working with brother until late in the night?

Or is it just that I’m depressed? The last days at work I received confirmation that I’m doing a seriously pointless work. New community in the FB that calls up collecting the cruelties we’ve done.  Out of the list I recognized five, who came to me only the week before with their unsolvable problems.  It shouldn’t be personal, right? I should let it go, right? I should, but it doesn’t make me feel any better, because I know that my work is pointless.

Which led me to delete my account on FB. I’ve had problems there before, where people ask me not to reply to their headlines, because they haven’t told anyone that they come and talk with me often. That it would shadow them if someone knew that they were related with me any way.  That simply hurt, but I got over it.

Then an old class mate had a birthday. I commented like I usually do and received minutes later a personal message, asking who I was. Person, who I was in the same class for three years. How classy!  Then I looked on the posts I did on my wall and realized that the only reply I had received on any of my update dated year ago, reminding me how I often talked with on-line friends and when I mentioned I had gone through something, they told me to hold on until they scrolled down the facebook wall to check what I had written there a month or two ago… So remind me again, why we need to post things there? So others could keep fresh update on our lives?

I took closer look at my friends list there. I have close to 200 people there.  Most of them have asked to add me, but never come to chat and only say hello. Then there’s my old classmates, but, well, nothing goes on in that world that has at least once brought their attention. I only told one person that I’m deleting the account, because it seemed fare on her, and then went on and deleted it. No excuses, no explanations – why should I if deleting the account removes anything remaining from their lists anyway? – just pushed down the button and now will have to sit without logging in for 14 days and then that’s it. Result? Only one person noticed. So it wasn’t much of a loss.

We planned… I should say I planned a small trip to Elva for next week. I’m getting tired of even trying to get the timing right. One gave me times she could go and that’s in the middle of the week. The other one said she’s free at the beginning of May and now, every time I try to contact her, she rushes by only saying hello and continuing talking with her friend. Can’t get hold of her at all to ask when her times would fit.  And the third has already said she can’t in the middle of the week. And they always ask if sis and her child are coming too, so I know they are not doing this to enjoy my company, only to spend some time with them again.

So now I’m in dilemma if to go through with this or not? Perhaps I should call this all off considering how hard it is to get them all free at the same time. As this has been going, I think it will continue through the rest of the year.  Perhaps it’s just not meant to be.

Reading all this through once more is confirming me that I’m simply stressed and depressed.


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