Lately there have been several, lets call them co-incidences that have me doubting my own sanity or place among the society.
Trust as two sided sword. In two weeks I received in FB several personal notes from people I consider rather close circle, how they have removed my comments. The explanations all came sort of same – Though the comment was relevant and they liked it, it’s just that through this, people would know, who I am and they would have to explain to others, how they know me. That they didn’t want others to find out that they know me. With first such letter, I thought I understood and though it hurt (“Nice to come for a chat, but I’m just embarrassed to let others know that I know you”), I didn’t make a fuss. Then another note came, almost identical in problem and then another. Four all together. All concerned that they would have to come public that they actually talk to me or that they know me. So I’m just somebody to fill your time with, but with no obligations? No need to worry that I might be the one, who gets hurt over something like this? I feel so stupid.
Then a flood of list-mania going through FB, counting up your friends and how they are dear to you. I don’t add people if I don’t actually know some way and thus it gives nice image. Guess if I made to the lists? I’ve known some of those people for years, we meet up regularly and… I don’t exist. Yet people they told me about few months ago, whom they’ve met are nicely listed… Petty jealousy, I know, but it just adding to the previous I guess I’ve got pretty good idea now, where I stood in.
Then yesterday I had a friend come over. Didn’t expect her, but I was really glad she did. I noticed the ring and mentioned it to her – beautiful white golden ring with ruby and brilliants. She said it was her engagement ring. Blew me away. When? 2 months ago. Um, we’ve spoken several times in that time and she hadn’t said a word! I felt like an idiot… Blurted in shock that now they’ll be moving in together? No, they live together for half a year. Um… I didn’t feel like an idiot any longer. I was… didn’t have words for it really. I knew he was picking her up now and then, but she… I get a feeling her visits from now on will get rather scarce. Let’s be serious now – she didn’t plan telling me in the first place, she had, she’d done it all of those occasions before. I feel like I blackmailed her to tell me and it makes me so sick inside.
She went and next friend arrived. Much later than expected, so I didn’t have time to talk to her at all and I feel bad about that too. She told me, she remembered we were to meet, but didn’t remember either that I was leaving earlier today nor the reason, why.
Add to that another friend dropped by during the day and he spent the entire time talking about new books he bought, giving me no chance to say anything between. That was preceded with “Why can’t you be more normal?” I felt like crying – in what way? Suddenly its not suitable to be myself any longer? I don’t fit the bill?
They do search me out, but I no longer think they do it for the right reasons. I’m like a stand-in friend. Someone good to search out when others are away, but someone you can nicely forget when your other friends come back. Someone with no right to feel bad if you can’t find time for her. Someone, who you can say that you don’t want others to know about you. Someone, who is very sad.