Depression or indifference?

I can’t sleep right now, so I’m blogging.

Last week I read about International Agricultural Fair from the newspaper and was excited to go. Haven’t taken part in any social activity for months. The only time I could find was the 3 hours from today and I hoped to see the bull show which I’ve missed the previous years. Asked mom about it and she said it was ok if I go, that the work load should ease by that time and if I sleep beforehand, I should be able to snatch the few hours. It was nice, even with only 3 hours sleep after 15 hour night shift. Can’t remember much, though…

Then I got home, with the first possible bus, and the first words dad said were very low growl that now I should go help the others! So I went, ignoring my hunger. I had hoped to catch a snack or something, but if he was in such mood, I didn’t dare to go for the soup anyhow. Like yesterday, that meant I had 1 meal per 24 hours. Nice, huh?

Sis did mention that mom called earlier, but I don’t remember her mentioning that they had new orders or that they were in trouble with the timing. Had she said it, I would have gone home earlier and skipped the show for next year. Now I was gagged for it and I didn’t even know.

In the evening, after I prepared dinner at 10 he considered it necessary to “remind” us that mom has been out of the hospital only a week and shouldn’t be working so hard yet. I was too tired even to react. I still am, but his statement has angered me enough to rob me my sleepiness. If I asked mom if he’s helped them when I was at work, she said no. So the man is moralizing me for not coming home with the earliest bus to help with the work while he hasn’t moved a muscle to ease the burden. He’s still having his daily sleep and watches TV.

I don’t know what to do any more. He has like picked me out to be the object of his anger, choosing how long I can take on bathroom breaks and with what bus I must come home to help. I don’t think sleep is included in his calculations and he seems pretty upset by the fact that I have another job.

I’m seriously thinking of cancelling my 2 week vacation. I can’t see a way I could afford it nor by time or by money. I did little calculation yesterday on how many hours I worked last month. 370 was the number. If you count the day hours for the entire month, you’ll see that this means I have time to prepare dinners and the rest 7 hours goes for sleep. If it only brought enough money in to justify the work hours… If I’d take a vacation, it wouldn’t change much except that instead of two places where I work and sleep I’d now have one, but I’d lose 2 weeks pay and the other work isn’t covering for it.

Besides vacation I’m thinking about cancelling Uni too. As I said earlier – I did manage to pay for it (for now), but I have no idea, when I could study for it. With dad getting angrier by day for me not managing to come home earliest as possible and I have no time from night shift as it’s noisy as hell right now then the only time for it would be from my sleep and I don’t think I can rely on that. I have tried few times to study after I take coffee tablets, but I can’t remember a thing afterwards. The same goes with when I’m tired and I haven’t taken tablets or drunk coffee. It saddens me that it seems to be the rule even for my favourite subjects, too. So past two weeks there has been no change in my knowledges and I feel sick by the minute thinking on my grim future. Mom said I could just stay at town if I need to study. Right, and dad won’t come after me dragging me home or declaring not having another daughter? Besides my conscious would be constantly banging on my heart that I should have come home and help them instead, I shouldn’t be so selfish. I’m not as indifferent about mom’s condition as dad thinks. My problem is, I didn’t expect him to just stand aside and play the bailiff. That truly is my fault, I should’ve known he wasn’t gonna help.

Then why do I have this need to be selfish? Is it because I’m watching again how my future is slipping through my fingers as the beach sand I won’t be touching this year either?

But right now I just don’t care – if it goes, it goes. I’m tired, I can’t sleep and what ever way I look at my schedule, I see no room for anything that isn’t related with dorm work or concrete even after I stopped playing yoville. I still haven’t got over the pneumonia (though it’s been 3 months), I don’t think I’ll ever get over it any more, will cough for the rest of my life and I can’t remember the day when my muscles didn’t ache.

So excuse me if I want to crawl up somewhere under the bed and die. I don’t think I’ll get a good night sleep for another 5 more hours though, shouldn’t have taken the coffee tablets…

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