Some Me left in here?

This day has been beyond anything likable. Mostly because I can’t get out of my head something my ‘dear’ father said. Again. I’m old enough, I should be able to filter his idiocrasies by now, but no! I’m still irritated.

For long time I’ve just tried to exists, but now and then I’m forced to ask myself, why?

Today was no exception. He went out with my mom early in the morning and said something to my brother, probably to wake him up. I’m not sure, I wasn’t in thinking state at the time. Still fast asleep. So was my brother, reading from his expression, when they came home and dad suddenly burst: “I’m so pissed right now, I should put you to work from clock to clock!”
We were finishing breakfast at 9:45. Ok, I thought, probably someone pissed him off, no bigy. Then he continued on new job opportunity he had received and while he thought we weren’t hearing, on how he had woken my brother up earlier and how pissed he was that we were just finishing eating and not yet working. That perfectly ruined my day.
The only natural thing to do seemed to take my mobile, my tea, clean the table up and go to work…

I just can’t comprehend, why? It seems that’s all I do around home. I wake at 9 or 10, eat the few sandwiches and then go to the other side and start taking the items out from their forms. He starts working at 8, finishes usually around 12 or 1 and goes for his daily nap! … which he never returns! We have perhaps a lunch break (if we’re that lucky and time isn’t the essence) and then work until 10 or 12 in the evening! Every fucking day! Then I spend perhaps an hour to get something to eat and then go to the nightshift, which is from 9 in the evening to 9 in the morning.

You can guess if such barking is insulting.

Even finding time to play with my dog is like stealing time from him. Twice I did it during the time mom put the water ready for the ‘dough’ and then received angry stare from him. 10 minutes both times. If I don’t do it then, I do it in the evening after work, which normally is between 10 and 11. I’m dead tired by that time. I’ve been standing the whole time, no chance to sit as you can’t do this work while sitting. But the day doesn’t end there – we want to eat too…

So the only time I get the personal time to work with my hobbies is between 12 and 2 in the night. That means I haven’t painted, written, studied or even watched a movie for long, long time. I haven’t really met anyone besides my co-workers over even longer time, so no Saturday night dates here.

We all know people are out on their own gain and it’s considered normal. That lead me to think – if I work for him at home from breakfast to midnight and then at dorm from 9 to 9 and I still have trouble paying my bills and I often skip meals at work, because I just can’t afford one, then… where in this is my gain? From my administrator work I pay for everything and scrap the last to drive home and try to plan so I would be useful, then what is working for him paying me?

This month I got enough to pay for my flat. That was after long explaining, why and how much I need it. It was beyond humiliating. I work for him, so even I don’t have any spare time I could spend on my own needs and even then, to get any money, I must explain my purpose for it if I want to get more than 30 Euros.
I would have gladly just skipped the getting paid part for good as it’s odd to beg for what you’ve earned, but this month I needed it if I wanted to keep going to Uni. I’m not going to repeat the process next month as then they probably have another use for it again and I’ll get the excuses.

Mom found it funny when I mumbled that I’ll get the advance first and then decide if I can afford staying to town to study for the exams, ‘cause the ugly truth is – even if I scrap together enough to pay for my schooling, I still don’t have realistic time to actually study. Or play with my dog. Or write the books I’ve longed to write for years. Or make myself pretty for a date. Or do anything else that might give me back the feeling that there is still some ME left in this workaholic. Right now I’m an empty shell that sleeps and works and hopes the work doesn’t come haunting in the dreams.


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