Why can’t I find a good employer?

I am scared for my future. Again.

I am scared like hell for my future again.

Why do I happen only on employers, who are bent to screw me over? We had the time of the year, when minimum wage is raised. I made the mistake of asking about mandatory vacation, because I love my family, but they have to deal with it unless they want fine for not giving it to their employee. Result? Boss took it personally. Like, freekisly personally and instead accused me of being money swindler and he can’t believe I would stoop so low to swindle extra money for my trip. FYI – I have that trip planned for months, thus I collected it together myself. Won’t allow me to go nuts, but will be enough to get me through. Then he came out that maybe he wouldn’t give me the vacation, have I asked him about it? As if talking with the rest of the crew, including my direct boss hasn’t already fixed the dates with me? Excuse me?

The thing with mandatory vacation is that I have to take it and they are obligated to give it. The fines for not filling the law are quite harsh and well, I would rather have the paperwork in order rather than face the fine. Because I’m sure he’ll turn it on me too.

So instead of dealing with the issue when he could avoid this whole mess for the future, he went over with raising the pay. Also mandatory as my current one would be below minimum set by state. And what did he do? Oh yes, I see the raise. It’s exactly the same above the new minimum. I don’t know what to say, after explaining my other boss how this will keep me below that minimum the state considers enough to count my work year as full index for the pension.

You see, the state has been so “kind” as to not spread the panic around how it doesn’t count your work years fully if you are on minimum wage, because you don’t contribute to the society enough it seems. It’s in fact 1/3 of the year, so if you worked for 30 years before pension, it only counts as if you’ve worked 10 of it. Which in total will give you absolute minimum pension. If that doesn’t make you scared as hell considering there will probably be nothing left from the pension fonds as they are so keen to invest them, despite being mandatory, it is not even grim future, it’s the sort of future that makes you consider suicide.

Oh, and what was the creme pop on the dart? He told us that as family, if necessary rises, he keeps the democratic right to lower or not pay out our salaries. And now I’ve been in constant state of panic since yesterday, because I feel like I’m back to that food spot, where she kept us from signing real contracts and payed us under the table when she could, but often enough we got nothing past pennies. For those, who can’t read between the lines – my boss just told me how he will decide every month despite how much I work if he “can” pay me my this month’s salary or if he’s gonna keep it back because he currently “can not”.

In plain speak, that means he’s gonna be judging everything I do and decide based on that if I am worthy for my paycheck. As he has been angry over the past month, because I ordered 5 dollars worth of toy stuff from Ebay, accusing me of having shopping fever, that means if I do anything he does not like, or have any conflict, he can suddenly decide it is democratic not to give me my salary as punishment. And I can’t go anywhere without being pretty much disowned for it, because that would be ultimate betrayal of his fragile ego! Who cares it’s against the law, right? I can’t report it without being disowned.

I am fucking scared! I wanted to go back to university, have driver’s license, pay off my loans as much as I could and now he tells me I have to pretty much keep backup for loan payments on my card so I wouldn’t find myself in the black list! And education myself? Pf! Forget it! I most likely end on a street if I ask for anything of THAT sort! Even if I’d find the money, but going there would be from the time I should be working for him.


Oh god, I’m back in that fucking place, where she wouldn’t pay me a dime, but expected me to show up the next day and I wanna puke. How the fuck did I end up trusting my own family? Because he has no boundaries, when it comes screwing over his own kids, because, hah!, for being his kids!


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Suicide prevention

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December 28, 2017 · 10:39

Searching a body match for Barbie!



This is Princess of the Renaissance™ Barbie® Doll , the image is not accurate in color, so I can’t compare the dolls online, and I wish to re-body her with Made To Move Barbie, doesn’t matter if curvy or original MtM, but I ran into a problem. I saw her on a MtM body, so I know she has a close match, but I only had Purple Top and Blue-Yellow Top to compare her to, the first was too light and the second too tanned. The local shops don’t carry more, but I don’t want to create myself a collection, I just need to find her match.
Does anyone have her in her collection and can do a skin tone match for me, please? Please? Pretty please? Continue reading

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I should be writing

I am having a writing crises.

On one side I want to write, on the other side I am having a abandoned puppy syndrome, which is not helped by the edge of the storm that hit Ireland couple of days back which is making its way across us.

I’ll probably get the chapter out in the evening after work, because I slept in. It happens sometimes if you have been getting up since 7 for weeks to work on your stories. And the current puppy syndrome comes from the fact that there has been quiet on the homepage. As if after I finished the two last books, nobody is actually reading the new ones… It’s making me so sad I want to cry and whine. I have kept quiet, because I really, really hoped for something and I feel as if I’m missing something and I can’t seem to put my finger on it, what it is that is missing.

It doesn’t help that I can’t discuss this with my family. Brother has his stack answer of “nobody reads books anymore” and then they start picking on them and making fun, but it has lost it’s edge, when you really are struggling to put the chapters up with no response if I’m moving in the right direction or perhaps should change. Or should I just keep going? One thing is sure, I will continue, ’cause I really like the idea of them being out there. But do readers like them? What did they like?

I’m just in a hole right now. I feel depressed, because next week I’m going on an event which is pretty much a family union and I feel I have nothing to show. Yeah, I have 19 full novels, over 60 short stories and couple longer ones. But it counts for nothing, doesn’t it? I’m scared to face them, because all I will be to them is something to mock, especially when I don’t have any fancy named job.

So it’s gonna be one more of those family events I just sit aside and let the big noses talk. I’ve come a long way, but as always, it’s not far enough. I wish… well, I know what I wish, but at this point it matters not what I wish. I need a strategy, a new one again.

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I read my first actual lesbian novels

Some time back I realized that I have never actually taken up any, mostly because thanks to Amazon’s suggestion system, it never really offers me any and I’ve been comfy enough not to search outside what I currently read. So when the idea hit me that  do as you preach (I support reading in different genres to find good books without the inhibitions set by society that would make you usually stop from picking from one genre or another) and read different genres, I picked up few randomly:

Bridget Essex – Date Knight
As an introduction to lesbian romance, I am very happy I picked it. I seriously like her knights (and by now I have already gone through several of her books) and can’t wait for one particular side character’s personal story to come out soon. I wasn’t so into Holly though. I can understand the stereotypical vegan tea-loving, very feminine dress wearing unicorn gathering creature, but that did not make me like her much more. A bit too angelic perhaps? I mean, everybody immediately loved her and she was looking at everything through literal pink glasses. I think what I didn’t like about her was that she seriously felt naive. But it worked out nicely when she was paired up with her knight, so after a while it didn’t bother me at all.

It somewhat carried on into the rest of the book, where the ultimate bad guy were men. I think that’s what I didn’t like about the book that much – that she created the two sides of male and female and played them against each other. As much as I am a feminist, I do not like that in books, not if gays play the women to be the ultimate opponent nor when women play the men to be the ultimate opponent. Because they are not. As simple as that. Yes, feminism didn’t rise from nothing, but it’s not black and white, it’s often gray and murky and thus creating this opposition based on body parts while we are fighting our best to stop men using ours as an excuse while we use their body parts to set them apart and mark them as evil… I’m not sure I’m even making the right point here, but what I mean is that I don’t like it. Equality doesn’t work that way and if we want to be taken serious, we need to change the way we look at the world – not that we deal with person with specific sex organs, but that we are dealing with another human being. As long as we make a point to marginalize another based on our sexual organs, we will never see things differently.

However, that was not the problem with her knights. So if you wanna read a good up-beat story about medieval fantasy knights, who look gorgeous – I would know, I freaking went over the descriptions several times – then that would be my pick. Especially after I read the A Dark and Stormy Knight, because it’s Charaxus story and I loved how she was described in the Date Knight. I was ready to skip some of the Date Knight, but somehow I found myself reading it through from middle to the end without interruptions, so I think I got myself a new series to look forward to.

Plus it intrigued me enough to inspire a certain side project I’ll tell you more at some point.

Gail Carriger  – Romancing the Inventor
I understand this is simply a side story of a major series, but oh my heaven it was so sweet! It has been awhile since I read a steampunk, so I jumped on the chance and I wasn’t disappointed. The main character was totally to my liking, although I must admit her main problem being “I wish to be corrupted” sort of didn’t go on me that well. 

But that character, that inventor Genevieve – swoon! Absolutely adorable! I now wish Margot would dress like her too. Hmm, maybe I can make her a costume based on the descriptions?

I haven’t gotten to other of her books yet, but I liked what I saw so far.

Tan Jiu – Tamen De Gushi
I am big fan of Old Xian (19 Days), so when I thought about the books, I kept remembering some image from a while back. So I searched it out. If Old Xian has a couple, which sort of are and are not gay school boys (it’s called Shounen Ai, so no sex), then Tamen De Gushi (Shoujo Ai – no sex) is story of two school girls finding out what love between two girls can be like. Both are super funny and know how to make maximum on everyday situations, so totally worth the time to check them out.

I wasn’t sure I’d like lesbian stories that much. I must admit I picked them up with assumption that they are like gay stories and with them – you gotta dig quite deep to find the gold. I’m not familiar enough to know what the main themes are inside the genre, but if knights is one thing and the trans-dressing another, I think I might definitely find myself something to read :).

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I had plans

I was planning to make these posts here a regular occurrence, like I had them before. It has been quite busy and the plans have come and gone and I am still focused on stories rather telling the world that “hey! I just finished another day at work without seeing the Sun once!”.

In other words I’ve become the cleaning lady, who doesn’t clean at home, because she does it hell of a lot at work.

Maybe because I haven’t had much to complain about since all my frustration runs into my work? Sure, I do not like Trump, because the monkey is superb at keeping the entire world waiting which day we can declare the beginning of WW III, though I was kinda hoping World War Z was next. Seriously, can’t you do something about him? He is being played by other propaganda based governments like a puppet, because let’s be honest – the guy clearly can’t understand when he plays straight into hands of them and creates them that perfect opportunity others knew to keep away from them.  I would thank god that he is not my president, but with his ability of stupidity – he is danger to the whole world and I am still appalled how he took the office.

Yup, the rant over. I love you people, but I seriously don’t like your president.


Instead my focus has changed to two things – I have several book ideas to work on for the next year and imagine that – Nano is starting soon, so I am currently on lookout for something to peek my interest. Probably why I chose to write some interesting shorts lately, which I also hope to post soon.

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Regretting not having kids?

“So, do you regret not having kids?” A woman-not-named asks me after it comes out in conversation that I can’t have kids.
“Do you need a dictionary?”
She looks at me dumbfounded.
“I’d like to be one of those, who chose career over children or who are too old to have children, or even just say I don’t like kids, but as it turns out, can’t have means I do not have a choice! Can’t choose not having having kids if I CAN’T HAVE KIDS! I can’t regret a choice I didn’t have!”
Her response – stare, then mumbled. “You don’t have to be so rude about it!”
So  I made my best impression feigning shock. “Oh! I’m sorry, did I hurt your feelings?”

Might be a bitch move, but you have no idea how many times I’ve heard that bullshit of a sentence, so let me put this in perspective for you!


See the difference? So if you, mother of the year, try guilt tripping someone, who have no choice in the matter of having kids- FUCK YOU! They can be so jealous they could eat their own hair, but there is absolutely NOTHING they can do, if nature has not given them even the opportunity! So why in hell should they regret not having kids? What bullshit social stigma is this? You can’t have kids, so you should feel ashame for it? For what? Being me?

Will that jump-start their ovaries if they regretted it? Is it one of those deeply Christian things? You’re infertile, but hey! Pray to God and he’ll help you! Have a little news for you then – it doesn’t work that way and I can rip my heart out and it will still not change the facts.

Which brings me to another conversation from a forum – one particular “case” of Christian, who said it was punishment for my crimes. Well. What a peach. What crimes had I committed by the age of ten, I asked her? She went silent after a while and logged out. Thank god we have ocean between us, because… god, how do such people even exist?


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